Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
