I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
