I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
