Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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