It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I want to fling myself into the sun
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
