I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
