...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
