Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
