I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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