why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
