I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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