you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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