Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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