oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
