She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
