I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
