do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
