You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
