i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
