You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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