So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
