I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
