god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Boobs are out for the taking
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
