got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I will be naked everywhere
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
