My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
