my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
