I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
