Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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