you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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