My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
