you would pick up someone in the library
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
