I wish I could punch you in the face.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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