i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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