Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
