My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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