I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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