I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
