Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
