She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
