Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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