Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
