Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
