I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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