I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
