Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
