I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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