i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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