Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
