right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
