My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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