I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
